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22 years on Late Night. Yup, Dave and Paul have been at this thing for 22 years now. Dave also mentions he gave up drinking around the same time and is now thinking of going back on the stuff.

While billboarding tonight's program, Dave mentions Sean Astin who is in the "50 First Dates" movie with Howard Kimmel. A confused Dave quickly corrects himself. "No, not Howard Kimmel. I mean with Adam Sandler."

And who is Howard Kimmel?

We send the camera outside to Rupert's Hello Deli. As the camera peeks under the canopy, we can see the old marquee to the deli before Rupert squeezed his way in. The old name before the Hello Deli? That would be "The Preview Sandwich Shop."
Tonight we'll be playing "Who's Eating The Corn Chips?" As we enter the Hello Deli, rain sprinkles on the camera lens. Dave asks Rupert to get a paper towel and do some housecleaning on the lens. Rupert does his jolly best and wipes it down. Dave is not satisfied with the results and suggests that Rupert spit on it first. My first thought was Rupert should spit on the paper towel. Fortunately, Rupert did not think the same. He spit on the camera lens and finished the job. It was much better now. Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant in the rainy weather. Meanwhile, while Rupert is doing that we'll continue with the show.

The President has organized a committee to investigate his intelligence commission but Dave doubts anything will be uncovered. Dave wonders if the committee will be impartial. Why? Well, take a look at the promo the White House put out:

"President Bush wants to get to the bottom of the intelligence failures regarding Iraq's lack of weapons of mass destruction. Only with a fair and balanced commission will the truth emerge. That is why President Bush has chosen to appoint the following people to a bipartisan commission: (with photos) Neil Bush, Marvin Bush, Barbara Bush, Jeb Bush, George P. Bush, Jenna Bush, and Larry Bush (George W. w/ a fake mustache). Paid for by the Bush White House and Halliburton."

The front runner in the Democratic race for President is John Kerry and his opponents are flinging anything they can find at him. Now they're saying he's had the Botox treatment done to his face to make him look younger. He's denying it. In fact, we have a clip from CNN of his denial.
Cut to a clip from "Living with Michael Jackson" - Michael says, "I've had no plastic surgery on my face. Just my nose. It helped me breathe better."

Late Show Editing Fun: John Kerry: "If I am elected President I make you this pledge that I will be utterly inept."

WHO'S EATING THE CORN CHIPS? Back to Rupert's. Playing tonight is Patty from Baskin Ridge, New Jersey. She's in town to see a performance of the Broadway musical, "Hairspray." In the meantime, she's been hanging out in the rain by the Ed Sullivan Theater.
How do we play "Who's Eating the Corn Chips?" On the phone is a big time celebrity who will be eating corn chips. The contestant Patty has 30 seconds to guess who the celebrity is. And Dave offers a hint: He's on weekly on the CBS network.
Rupert picks up the phone and hands it to Patty. The contestant starts eating the Corn Chips. After 30 seconds and a slight coughing fit from the celebrity, it is time for Patty to make a guess. Ever quick on her feet, Patty says, "I have no idea." Dave offers another hint: The Celebrity is on Monday nights on CBS.
Dave asks Rupert if he could help. Rupert suggests to Patty that it's Dan Rather. Is it Dan Rather? No, sorry. It's Emmy Award winning star of "Everybody Loves Raymond," Brad Garrett.
But there are no losers in "Who's Eating the Corn Chips?" (Besides the viewers, that is) Patty receives a Hello Deli deli platter. And hopefully we'll receive a free delivery of the scrumptious Frito Lays Corn Chips.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCRIPTS - If you're a fan of "The Oprah Winfrey Show," you know that you can write in and order written transcripts form any Oprah episode. We recently did just that and tonight our stagehands Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan performed part of the transcripts on our show. In this episode, Oprah welcomes celebrity guest, Jennifer Aniston.
Pat plays the part of Oprah.
Kenny plays the part of Jennifer Aniston.
Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don't know. It's just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how Dick Cavett first did something similar way back when by reading Elvis Presley song lyrics. Mr. Cavett would stand in front of a podium, and all stoic-like, read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken by Mr. Dick Cavett instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Dick Cavett bit.

HARRY CONNICK, JR.: I always enjoy his visits. Has stories, tells them well, and can change direction without signaling. Harry spent quite a while describing how he took down his Christmas tree this year and how he came to the decision of the best way to do the job: throw out the tree, lights and all, and just re-buy next year. He came to that decision when one minor problem of unhooking an ornament rolled into a domino-effect of disasters.
Harry also described his life as a soccer-dad. He has two daughters around my girls' age and was able to relate well with the situation. He admits to being a bit too involved, once screaming at the ref for quite a while. The other parents got mad at Harry, since the ref was only 11 years old. And for those of you who do not know, children cannot run around for a half-hour without replenishment, therefore one parent a week is asked to bring sliced oranges to the game for the kids to eat at halftime. Harry gets so involved in the game, he helps himself to the citric treats and leaves little left for the children. The parents don't like this either. It's not easy being a dad. Sports is so much easier when you are a participant.
Dave holds up Harry's new CD and asks, "What can you tell us about the album?" Harry answers, "It's all lip-synched." Big laugh. Oooh, sometimes Harry is too honest for his own good. Lip-synching on an album? Hey, don't laugh. Edgar Bergen made a bundle as a ventriloquist on radio.

SEAN ASTIN: He's in "50 First Dates," which opens February 13th. He's also in the blockbuster "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." But we all know him as Rudy from "Rudy." At least that's the way I know him. "Rudy" may have been the last movie I've seen that wasn't a cartoon.
Sean has been in more than 30 films, his first being "Goonies." I know I should know something about the film but, alas, I don't. I really have to start getting to the local Bijou. I'm missing so much popular entertainment.
In the "50 First Dates" film, Sean plays the steroid-laden jock brother of Drew Barrymore. Drew gets conked on the head which screws up her short term memory. This requires her boyfriend to each and every day convince her of why he loves her and why she loves him. She needs that constant reassurance of reminding. Sounds like any girl from Long Island.
"50 First Dates" - it opens Friday February 13th.

ACT 5: Got a segment idea for Maury? If so, write the Maury Show and who knows, maybe they'll use your idea. But please, now more idea about "Being Fat, But Now You're Where It's At."

Hey, I got an idea for Maury. Paternity tests!

HARRY CONNICK, JR.: From his brand new CD, "Only You," Harry Connick, Jr. performed "You Don't Know Me."

And that was our show for Tuesday, February 3, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Howard Kimmel was a writer on Dave's morning program over 20 years ago.

Did you hear they found the deadly Ricin at a Connecticut post office and at the Senate offices in Washington DC? You probably didn't hear since the story was buried under the bigger news of the Super Bowl halftime incident.

Here are the apologies given by the subjects involved:
Janet Jackson: "I apologize to anyone offended."
Justin Timberlake: "I am sorry if anyone was offended"
CBS: "We apologize to anyone who was offended."
MTV: "We apologize to anyone who was offended by it."

If they truly feel what they did was wrong, they should not qualify their apology with "if anyone was offended." Don't let those who were offended dictate your remorse. Either you believe the actions were wrong or you don't.

Excuse me while I hop off this soapbox.

As I was saying . . . . So yesterday I wrote the Jack Paar/water closet story which NBC edited out of his program over 40 years ago. And when I went to read the story in the Wahoo, I find that it's been censored! There was no Jack Paar story in yesterday's Wahoo Gazette! I was so irate I did exactly what Mr. Paar did. I walked out. That's right. I left the Wahoo Gazette and threatened never to return. After 5 minutes when I realized nobody was going to ask me back, I decided to sneak back in. I said nothing and no one said anything to me.
This is what should have appeared in Monday's Wahoo Gazette:

"Most everyone is familiar with the story of Jack Paar telling an innocent story during his show which contained the term 'water closet,' a euphemism for toilet or bathroom. The next day he learned that NBC censored those 4 minutes of the program because of the use of the term. Here now, is that story which NBC censored more than 40 years ago."

"An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a 'W.C.' [water closet, a euphemism for bathroom] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a 'W.C.' around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tired to discover the meaning of the letters 'W.C.,' and the only solution they could find for the letters was letters was a Wayside Chapel. The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:

Dear Madam:
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can't attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster."

Imagine that. 40 years ago you couldn't say "water closet" on the television and now they're flashing boobs.